@catra.victorious

[purrsistence]

What's the deal with your surname? If you have one. We don't have them, where I'm from. I'm not stupid, for what it's worth-- I don't need the concept explained to me. I know they're just... family names, or whatever.

I just wanna know... what does yours mean, I guess. If it has a meaning. Where did it come from. If you don't have one, how did you... I don't know, choose yours, when you got here?


Anyway I guess I was gone for a bit, now I'm back, don't make a big deal about it.

Comments

[dumbjockenergy]

The last three years have been a lot of things.

[ When Adora throws herself at Catra this time, it isn't to wrestle her to the floor, or chase her like she was threatening to do.

Instead, she grabs her up in a hug, holding her tightly for just a moment before pulling back. ]

It's a big thing, y'know? Apologizing. And it's hard. I'm proud of you, Catra. Really proud.

[purrsistence]

[ This time Catra doesn't fight her. She just sort of goes... a bit still.

Adora might be right, but Catra doesn't want to think about any of that. So instead, she goes with something else. ]

... Sparkles said ... it was nearly you. --That stayed behind, I mean.

[dumbjockenergy]

[ There's an unmistakable dimming to Adora's cheer. ]

...Oh. Yeah, she...told me what happened. I...

[ She runs a hand through her hair. ]

I would have, if that's what it took. I should have. It should have been me.

[purrsistence]

[ Catra turns back around to Adora, face stricken. ]

Are you an idiot?! It shouldn't have been you! It shouldn't have been anyone! It never should have happened in the first place, if it hadn't been for me--!

[dumbjockenergy]

But it did. And if Hordak was trying to use that to signal Horde Prime, then...it would have happened again eventually. Better for it to have been me that made the sacrifice.

Even with you opening the portal, if it had been me, then Angella would still be here.

[ It feels weird, the ache of a sin she hasn't yet committed. A life she hasn't let be sacrificed in her place yet. ]

[purrsistence]

Wow, you really are an idiot! My bad! I forgot!

If it had been you, then there would be no more She-Ra! Genius!

[dumbjockenergy]

Then there'd be no more She-Ra. The Rebellion survived without her before! But it would still have it's Queen, and Glimmer would still have her mother, and they'd be better off!

[ Every now and then, Adora hates knowing that Catra knows her just as well as Adora does her. Hates knowing that a lifetime has given them both an insight into each other's tells, that it's impossible to hide from each other when it comes down to it.

All of Adora's tells scream the discomfort of getting too close to a something sensitive, something buried. ]

She-Ra supposed to save people. When it's time to make the hard choice, I should be the one making it. That's my-- her entire purpose. What she's for. That's how it's supposed to be.

[purrsistence]

No, you dumbass! Nobody has a purpose! That's a dumb lie that Shadow Weaver and the Rebellion and everybody else tells you so that you'll die for the cause or whatever!

We're all just born for no particular reason and it's up to us to make our own meaning outta shit! And if you wanna save people so bad, then save 'em, but you can't save anybody if you're dead! So knock it off!

[dumbjockenergy]

You don't understand!

[ Her voice raises an octave in distress before Adora is quickly reeling herself back in. ]

I-- I don't want to talk about this anymore.

[purrsistence]

Oh I understand perfectly. Your whole life, you were told that you're special, and that your specialness derives from and hinges on your ability to be everyone's savior. And then along comes this magical glowing sword with a magical glowing destiny to make you into She-Ra and prove everyone right about it all!

[dumbjockenergy]

That's not what it's about at all!

[ Hands balling into fists at her sides, she feels caught between fight and flight.

Then you're not doing this for other people, you're doing it for yourself.

Ren's words come back to her with a rush of nausea. No. No, she didn't do this kind of thing for herself. It was for other people, people worth so much more than she was--

Like she wanted to be. Worthy of...anything. Of love, of existence, of the people she held so dearly.

(If she wasn't She-Ra, would the Rebellion have ever looked at her twice? Would Glimmer and Bow? Or would she have been just another Horde soldier, tossed into the dungeon?) ]

Just, stop! Why are you doing this?!

[purrsistence]

Because if I don't, how long will it be before you throw yourself into certain death to save someone else?!

[dumbjockenergy]

If I'm not, what is the point of me?!

[ the shout echoes out through the small apartment as Adora finally cracks, eyes wild. ]

People like She-Ra, they have a reason to want her around! If I'm not She-Ra, if I'm not protecting people, if I--

What am I good for if I'm not everything I'm supposed to be?! Who am I without all of that, Catra?!

[purrsistence]

You're Adora! My friend!

I don't know-- who were you before you became She-Ra?! Did your life only start when you found that stupid sword?! Does nothing else before that count?!

[dumbjockenergy]

Everything before that was a lie, Catra!

[ well, if they were going to do this, might as well go all in. ]

You want to know what I was to everyone but you? I was a weapon. I was a tool. I don't know how to be anything else. That's just what I am.

[purrsistence]

Screw everybody else! Why do you care what they think?! Why can't you just be Adora? That's enough for me!

[dumbjockenergy]

I don't know, okay?! I don't know why I feel like this!

[ she finally collapses back onto the couch, face in her hands. ]

I can't do anything the way I am now. I can't protect anyone this way. I couldn't even protect you when it really mattered. As Adora, I'm worthless.

[purrsistence]

Boohoo! You can't protect other people! So what?! Welcome to how the rest of us normal people feel, every day of our lives!

Does not being as strong as She-Ra make me worthless?! Or what about Sparkles?!

[dumbjockenergy]

Wha-- No, Catra, of course not! You're two of the strongest people I know!

[purrsistence]

Right. But neither of us are as strong as She-Ra. We've both failed people plenty of times, too.

So according to your logic, it doesn't matter how strong we might be or what other qualities we might have.

[dumbjockenergy]

That's completely different. You're not--

[ Not Adora. ]

It's just different.

[purrsistence]

It's not different!

You just can't accept that you have different standards for yourself than you do for everyone else!

[dumbjockenergy]

Then what am I supposed to do?

[ the fight finally drains out of her, voice small. ]

I don't know who I am without She-Ra or some kind of...purpose or mission or--or destiny or whatever. I feel so lost, Catra.

[purrsistence]

How would I know what you're supposed to do?! I don't even know what I'm supposed to do! Nobody does! We're all of us just-- making this shit up as we go along, Adora!

And even if I could tell you what you had to do-- how would that be any different from Shadow Weaver, or your... freaky blue hologram lady, telling you what to do?!

The idea is that you decide what you want to do. Y'know! For yourself!

[dumbjockenergy]

But I don't know what I want to do. All my life it's been someone else telling me what to do, and now--

[ She's like a ship without an anchor, threatening slowly but surely to float off. ]

But we... Catra, we--

[ And for as frustrated as Catra is with hr now, Adora is completely sincere as she asks-- ]

We can figure out what to do next together. Right?