@marcos.diaz

[heliophilous]

with everything that's gone on lately, i had a question.

if given the choice, how many people would stay here and how many people would leave? i get that it's a pretty personal question and don't feel like you've gotta answer. i'm just curious considering the way the place has changed lately and the people that have been lost.

could you live your life here? or would you leave and take your chances?

Comments

[motivation]

need a drink?

[heliophilous]

yeah.

might be nice.

[motivation]

you know where my bar is

[ "hers" like she isn't still a bouncer and nothing more ]

[heliophilous]

i do.

that an invitation?

[motivation]

why don't you come find out

[heliophilous]

well, with encouragement like that, how can i resist?

i'll be there when in a little while.

[motivation]

see you

idk if you wanna go to action so if you don't, just ignore meeee

[heliophilous]

[ eventually, he shows up. he knows she's not waiting with bated breath for his presence and there are things he has to take care of before he's free for the night to have a drink or two or four.

but, he gets there eventually and takes a seat at the bar, elbows braced against the grainy wood. it's not that crowded tonight but he's far from the only person around.

when she makes her way over to him, he half smiles, nods. ] Good to finally meet you. Whatever you've got that's strong is what I want.

i wanna tho

[motivation]

[ dutch isn't waiting with bated breath. she's not really waiting at all, not sure if he'll show up or not. half the time, she's on the network during her working hours out of boredom more than for any other reason.

the other half of the time, things are interesting here.

he takes long enough that her shift is over, someone else taking over security for the rest of the evening (someone bigger and stronger and less effective but more imposing-looking than she is), so she makes it over to him. ]

I'm not a waitress.

[ dryly. but she reaches over the bar and fishes for a bottle of scotch that she knows is there. the perks of working here. after a moment, she fishes for two glasses, too. ]

well good!

[heliophilous]

My mistake. [ that's his apology right there. he waits till she grabs the bottle and then the glasses before taking one and pouring his own drink. see, he's capable enough and to further illustrate that, he pours her one too. ]

Something got you in the mood for a drink or is it just a default state for you? [ nothing but curiosity behind that question. his voice is quiet, calm while he sips at the scotch and savors the burn of the booze sliding down his throat. ]

[motivation]

[ it's close enough to an apology to count, really. and pouring her a drink counts for something, too. although she takes it, downs all of it in one go and holds her glass out for a refill essentially immediately.

deceptively lightly: ]

Can't it be both?

[heliophilous]

Sure it can.

[ he pours some more liquor into the glass before taking a few more sips of his own. ]

But is it?

[motivation]

[ does she want to admit that something's got her in the mood, that johnny being gone means she's been trying to not think for a while now?

apparently, yes. ]

Yeah.

[ she slows down for the second glass at least, taking a generous swallow instead of downing all of it. ]

[heliophilous]

[ well, he can't really do anything about the default state but he can ask about the mood. ]

So, what's happened that's made you want to drink?

[ which he does. ]

[motivation]

[ annnd there goes the rest of the drink down her throat again. ]

Johnny's gone. Disappeared.

[heliophilous]

[ the name is very vaguely familiar but that's it. still, it's obvious that his disappearance has greatly affected her so he stays quiet for the moment, letting it digest, letting her drink. ]

I'm sorry.

[ quiet, sincere. ]

Did you know him here or know him from home?

[motivation]

[ for a moment, her jaw works. ]

From home.

[ this time, dutch is the one reaching for the bottle and topping up her own glass. ]

He's my partner. My best friend.

[heliophilous]

I'm sorry. [ he says the words again, just as quiet, just as gentle. he watches her pour a drink, waits for her to down it before he glances over at her. ]

And now you feel like you've lost a piece of yourself, right? A...void where something else should be?

[ he knows that feeling. ]

[motivation]

[ how do you know? dutch almost asks -- but she can guess the answer to that one, at least.

her chin tips up, defiant. her voice is even. her eyes are dry. ]

He's my gravity.

[heliophilous]

[ he meets her look with a steady one of his own. ]

It's important to have people like that. [ he means that. ] And it's important to keep going so you can see them again and tell him.

[ he pauses, worrying his thumb against his lip. ] Did you ever tell him?

[motivation]

[ he looks at her steadily and dutch doesn't know how to be that, how to be steady. she feels explosive and violent, like a bomb that needs disarming. ]

He knows.

[heliophilous]

Good.

[ at least, he thinks, if the worst happens to either of them, they won't leave the world without knowing what they mean to each other.

he gives her a small nod, twisting the glass back and forth against the bar. ]

Just because he's not here doesn't mean that you have to lose the grounding he gives you, you know. You're not adrift.

[motivation]

Aren't I?

[ it comes out mostly as she intends it, a challenge more than a request for reassurance. how would he know, anyway? ]

[heliophilous]

[ his mouth thins and he gives his head a quick shake. ]

No.

[ he doesn't believe that, at least. ] There's a difference between being upset and being adrift and you're not. Not from where I'm sitting, at least.

[ he takes a sip of his drink, contemplating his next words. ] But maybe you want to think you are because it make dealing with the hurt easier. [ if she wants to challenge him, he'll meet her halfway. ]

[motivation]

[ he's pushing back and she's almost glad for it, but it makes her shut up no less vicious. still, she stays right where she is, downing another drink, getting herself another refill and then downing that, too.

with the alcohol burning down her throat, the words come: ]

I don't know how to be a good person, without him.

[ sometimes not even with him. ]