meadowlark | @marcos.diaz

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@marcos.diaz

with everything that's gone on lately, i had a question.

if given the choice, how many people would stay here and how many people would leave? i get that it's a pretty personal question and don't feel like you've gotta answer. i'm just curious considering the way the place has changed lately and the people that have been lost.

could you live your life here? or would you leave and take your chances?

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So, don't let them.

[ simple, wasn't it? if she didn't want anyone to tell her what to do, then no one would be able to tell her what to do. ]

What do you want to do instead? You're not beholden to anyone so do what you want.

I want to go back home. But I can't, because some dickhead decided to bring me here and keep me here.

[ so she very much is beholden to whoever is responsible for this, isn't she?

not that simple. ]

Yeah, I want that too but we're both stuck here until...

[ god, who the hell knows. ]

You can't go back home. That's true for both of us. So, adjust. Adapt. What else do you want?

Honestly?

[ another glass down. another refill. she swirls that in her glass. ]

I don't know.

[ there's always been something -- fighting khlyen, fighting aneela, freeing aneela and fighting the lady. ]

I wanted to be a killjoy with Johnny back home, but I can't do that here.

Why not?

[ he doesn't know exactly what a killjoy is so he doesn't see why she couldn't start something freelance. ]

What's stopping you besides you?

Johnny's not here.

[ but she could probably branch out from providing security at the bar. ]

You could find someone else to do it with you, you know. Not a replacement but a trainee. If it's something you want to do, do it. If the only thing that's stopping you if someone not being here, I'd say you can get past that.

[ yes, he's gotten the feeling that this johnny is important but if he thinks of her the same way, he doesn't think johnny would want her to wallow. ]

[ for a moment, dutch lets herself believe it. ] Maybe -

[ but then she swallows and shakes her head, jaw working. she remembers training jaq. she remembers d'avin leaving because dutch went too far in her training, because she got too close to doing to jaq what khlyen did to her. turning him into a weapon, using him as one -

and that was with johnny and d'avin around. ]

Probably not a good idea.

[ the truth of it is that dutch knows she's broken, that she's damaged goods. with johnny around, she's not so broken that she can't do better.

without him? without him, the monster that's inside her, eating away at her always, comes out. ]

Fine.

[ okay, he's not going to push that when he doesn't know the whole story. they've talked a bit but he doesn't think he has that right, doesn't think he can push that boundary. ]

So, do something else. What do you want to do right now? What's the first thing that comes to mind?

Edited 2019-09-02 19:07 (UTC)

[ her lips twist. it's not a happy expression. ]

Drinking sounds pretty damn great.

[ a beat. ]

Fighting. Fucking.

[ interested in either? ]

I'm not much of a fighter.

[ so, that was out for the time being. he was better when he had his other ability, the one he'd been born with but he's still not sure how to work this one he has now.]

But, after drinking and fucking, what then? More of that? You want to do this killjoy thing. So, do it. Find someone you trust and train them.

[ that gets a laugh (although that, too, isn't necessarily happy.)

so fucking's still on the table? she almost asks and then doesn't, because he's still talking. ]

I'm not great at trust.

[ this conversation is quite possibly the most she's trusted anyone here. there's cassian and prompto -- cassian's like her in all the sharp and dangerous ways, and prompto's like her in only one way, a clone of someone else. ]

No one's asking you to trust them right away. That'd be stupid.

[ trust is earned. trust is built. ]

You find someone that you think you can trust and go from there. If this is something you want to do and you have the means to do it, I think you should. If you want to be a good person, make yourself a good person.

[ it's your choice. ]

How?

[ this is -- hells, what is she doing? ]

How do I do that? Everyone's going round letting themselves be led by their stupid big hearts. I can't do that.

[ maybe sabine was right. maybe she really is half-dead inside already. khlyen burnt away so many parts of her, cut off others, turned her into this.

she doesn't know how to regain any of that. ]

Why not?

[ serious question. what's wrong with listening to your heart? ]

You're not dead inside. I don't even have to know you that well to know that. You're not dead inside. Are there people here that you trust?

[ first and foremost. ]

That you'd be willing to train?

[ he keeps asking why not, tells her that she's not dead inside and -- how would he even know? ]

Because some asshole [ she misses khlyen and she hates khlyen and she loves khlyen and it's complicated, everything she feels is so fucking complicated and johnny's not here to make sense of it for her, to know her better than she knows herself ] decided to turn me into a weapon when I was eight, all right? That's why. Because I've probably killed more people than you've even met. [ maybe a slight exaggeration... but the point stands. ]

And I don't know how to be like that.

[ maybe she is dead inside. ]

Not really. Not like that.

[ could she learn? ]

You've killed people. Fine. So've I. I'm not going to get into a proverbial dick measuring contest with you about who's killed more people.

[ his bodies had been during his time with the cartel. hers had apparently been piling up since she'd been young. people were dead and they both had blood on their hands. ]

You don't know now. That's why you learn. Unless you want to give up. If that's the case, then...

[ he shrugs. ] Then drink and fight and fuck. Only thing that's stopping you is you.

Shut the hells up.

[ but while there's some bite to the words, she doesn't actually sound angry. she sounds -- considering.

congratulations, marcos. you've just become johnny jaqobis replacement #1. ]

[ he does, reaching for his glass so he can take a few gulps of his drink while she sits there, stewing. he knows he's made a point, that maybe he's even gotten under her skin but the ball is, truly, in her court.

he can encourage but he can't make her try and change herself into something different. ]

[ he's gotten under her skin and she hates it, but she's not so far gone that she doesn't realise that she needs it, too. this is why johnny and d'avin were so important to her -- aside from the fact that they were her family, her partners, they kept her accountable. didn't take her shit when they thought it really was shit.

so in the end, she tips her glass (freshly refilled) toward his. ]

Still gonna drink and fight and fuck, though.

Well.

[ he snickers, letting his glass clink against hers. ]

Everyone's gotta have hobbies. Yours are pretty good ones, anyway.

Damn right they are.

[ what would johnny do?

johnny would make friends, because that's what he does -- he befriends just about everyone and dutch isn't going to do that, isn't going to try to do that, but maybe she can make an exception here. ]

What about yours?

My hobbies?

[ good question. he rubs a hand against his chin and shrugs a shoulder. ]

Drinking's one of my newer hobbies, I guess. Helping out where I can. [ is that a hobby, though? ] Reading, I guess. I don't know. Not letting this place kill me, maybe.

That's not a hobby, that's just survival.

[ a necessity, not a hobby. ]

Has it been trying to kill you a lot?

I had a rough go of it a little while back.

[ he shrugs. ]

Still working my way past it.

[ wasn't as easy as he'd hoped it would be. ]

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